what do i do in a situation that lends it self to failure and pain, decision and almost anyother complicated extremity. will i find myself with nothing in either of these grave decisions. will hate be brought upon my struggling mind. with my body coil and never find its way back to the way that it once was. who will i be and moreover who will be left. am i burning through the forest. will i distroy everything like i always seem to do. will i surivive this time around or will my mind loosen and unravel at my said state. im a lair. i want only what causes less heat. no flames. no more talk i cant hear the cracking of my demise. please lend me your hand. make it right like you should have all these years. stroke my hair once more and lull me to sleep sop i may wake in a more comforting moment, a life in which revolves not around the toils or my life or those around me but the graceful innocence that mirrors happiness.

so i have some serious writers block right now and i have all these thoughts running around in my head but i cant seem to organize them. it really sucks i just dont feel like doing this at all. ahhhhh. fucking plato.

just sitting here thinking about the whole issue of college once again. also im kinda not in the mood to do my homework, so im writing instead. i was looking through ppls pix on facebook and it amazes me how ppl already found awesome ppl to hang out with. i thought most of these ppl were upper classmen, but they're freshman. damn them. i wish i could have hot guy friends chillin in my room day in and day out. lucky bitches next door are gettin all the good guys. w/e, it's all good. 

another thing that i love is that i feel like everyone is bonding with their roomates. we have never even been in public with her, and everytime me or her suggests it she backs out and she leaves me hangin. y can't we chill together, take pix like all the other roomates do. i think shes scared of me and she doesnt even no it. i feel that vibe from her. like i want to know you, but i dont, really. i mwan we're getting closer just at the slowest rate EVER!!! i mean god can't we go out to lunch together or w/e. y are you hangin out with the ppl that you said you dont really like when you could hang with ME... o yes. w/e its her choice ( a bad choice) but w/e, nothing i can do about it. you no what i dont think im kool enough for her. that's totally it. just by lookin at me u can tell how kool or not kool i am. and she can tell. she has koolness radar., i bet u.  o well ill probably never be kool enough for her so that just means we'll probably stay in this same spot we're in foreva. bla.

just sitting in the dark listening to some music before i go to bed. im sure my typing is annoying tiff whose is trying to sleep, thus the whole no lights thing. i don't no. i feel like im doing better but then i remember yesterday and it was horrible. it's funny cause the days seem to last the length of 2 or 3 days. and when i say im doing better it never registers that ot was only yesterday that i had a breakdown in front of the whole university, or what seemed to be the whole university. there i am sitting on the phone with my dad trying with all the power in my body not to cry, yet tears still rush down my face. mean while more and more people seem to pass me. it sucked. i mean theres really no better way to put it.et today seemed ok, most likely because i got most of my homework due on time. but i dont no. i still feel like im missing something from this whole college experience thing. theres work and little sleep which all are normal things that happen in college, however none of this equals any kind of fun. sleep is the only thing close to being some type of entertainment. i think the work i can get used to but watching ppl day in and day out with their friends, enjoying one anothers company is something i find myself struggling with. loneliness. 
     here i am today running aroun campus like a mad women on crack, hot as hell and i seem to be doing better than yesterday some how. none of it ever really makes any sense to be quite honest. up and downs are a part of my day, or days because one day feels like a lifetime and a half. it feels even longer when you hear stupid ppl outside of your dorm window playing frisbee for 8 hours on end. playing more and more as the night dwindles. stupid ppl make the night seem longer and longer cause i can never fall asleep to that stupid noise of the frisbee hitting the ground and people laughing because they suck so much. haha its real funny ... now stop. jesus christ. w/e today was bearable i guess thats all i can ask for. good nite and ill see how tomorrow goes.

so the longest day of traveling ever on sat, but im finally home. o how i missed my bed. i could write like 10 pgs on what i saw and how amazing it was and all the ppl i met but words really can't put it in perspective. i just need it to al soak in and then i will write....but for now there are pictures...... roma  capri  my new buddies

im not really in the mood to go into detail, ill do that wen i come back, but im leavin' for italy tomorrow 1:00pm. then four days later we're going to greece and then im home again. hopefully it will be fun, i guess i just have to wait and see.

Yes mother fucking i put the futon together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hahaha yesssssssssssssss. too bad its ugly...

first off, fuck u Livejournal. 

   now that i have that out of the way ill just write some random shit down, avoiding the fact that i really must get some history done. o well. im also avoiding a lovely siddhartha essay which to some seems quite easy (cough cough summer) but i really dont feel like thinking about stupid shit in that damn book. i rather just be doing nothing. i mean pretty much this whole year i have had minimal homework so now with like 2 assignments im overwhelmed. how sad. 

o yea BIG NEWS on MONDAY APRIL 2 LINKINPARKS NEW SONG IS BEING RELEASED. YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA IT BETTER BE FUCKING AMAZING. LOTS OF YELLING.....YES
i am actually at this moment listening to all their songs so far and lovin it.

o man todays weather was frikin awesome. all i have to say is roll down those fucking car windows and blast the mother fucking music so loud it makes babies cry.....yesssssss! so while i was enjoying this lovely weather with my loud ass music as i drive, me and sum went lookin for prom dresses. we found nothing, go figure. w/e we just went to red bank cause i really didnt no where else to go that wasn't like middletown or toms river, so yea. other than that my day pretty much ended at 5 wen i left sums house.

went home ate. then me and my dad watched the departed. i must say i have never seen so many mother fuckers get shot in my life. and the best part was it was one after another. one dropped then another one got shot in the head and so forth. i was laughing. it was funny. their brains all over the damn place. ridiculous. im laughing right now thinking about it. the only thing that occurred more then ppl getting shot in the head was the use of "fuck" in every conversation. after the movie i felt a great urge to curse even more than i usually do, and with a boston accent non the less. so all i have to say is watch out u mother fuckers cause im gonna shot u in the god damn head u fuckin cock suckin pussies!!!!!!!!

o man.....lol

i must say today was full of art goodness, o and brownies, but yea art. i started my ink drawing this morning cause i had no brookdale (go figure) and i was late to school cause i wanted to keep drawing. then wen i got home the first thing i did was finish it and it looks pretty damn spiffy. and to add to that ive been on a major watercolor kick. ive been looking it up all over the internet and today in art i got the paper ready and whatnot. but later after i got home i decided i should probably practice a little cause i dont want the one im doing at school to look like complete crap. so with that i painted a beach scene with clouds. while i was doing i thought it looked like crap but once i left and came back it grew on me. it may not seem like a lot of art but from 2:30 to about 6 i was painting or drawing or what have you. cause wen i do anything artsy it takes me a long ass time. ive been thinking about doing a little sign for my 2nd teacher but then i think why? mine as well do what i want. other than art theres nothing really to report on..... 
             o wait..........gym. o yea. i was totally sweet at striker today it was crazy. i added a little behind the back move it was sweeter than whoa.  and i took on a 200 and something pound football player. unfortunately i kinda got hurt and from all people, kellen. my wrist hurts pretty bad but w/e as long as its not my right one i need that from painting.

so tuesday, yea. im going to go out with my old second grade teacher mrs belena and nat and now alyssa. its going to be interesting, considering the last time both me and nat were together we were "falling out" and of course mrs belena says that shes amazed and happy that were still friends. so now were not, i mean i dont really no where we stand and i couldn't care less at this point.  were probably going to end up finding out like all these new things about eachother and mrs belena will just sit there while we become familiar with eachother again. lol. its going to be hard not to laugh cause the whole situation to me is pretty damn funny. its hard to understand but u have to be me. o man. i dont even think she knows im going to Towson and its hard not to no i tell everyone and wear my homemade t-shirt like its the best school in the world. haha, im so weird. so yea tuesday its going down. fun times. w/e ill just think of it as a free meal. mmm food.

A mind perplexed hence yielded to the complexities of life and thereafter

It was death which you so solemnly sought after

Pronounced as another’s end only to be deceived by ones own self. Because in fact prolonging his curtain thus allowed him to grab his bearings, to paint the scene as the sword encompassed your demise.

A journey to inherit much loss began not to be condemned by trivial matters, for all which was fought for was done with a madding vengeance. All such wicked acts that ensued were played on the stage of an unkempt bed bought upon by its sole occupant. A stage so familiar to that of which adorned your being with continuous contentment.

And then with blood of mistaken revenge soon held close in esteem did it shroud a dismal piece reassured to be sane. Reflections cast shadows about you, while left uncovered a decision lingered as what the most formidable of actions would be. Oh and not abruptly did it fall upon you. Let the truth be unmasked for it was this matter of truths and trust that weighed heavily on relations held dear. It was if a storm encumbering an already saturated terrain. Through these grievances, efforts of young love did accompany you although ill advised was your lover by those of kin. In you did others see reason to be inflicted by worrisome thoughts and now, here reassurance beckons at their doors for no longer will pain be regarded. So excuse you now Hamlet and experience the true love that a father shares.

dance, dance, dance, no more.....

whoa a tree fell in my back yard...... and theres more to come!

SNOW, RAIN, ICE, EVERYTHING U CAN THINK OF ALL COMING DOWN AT THE SAME TIME!    OMG
yea.... so that means im stuck and to add to all this fun my dads coming home NOW. so i get to be stuck in the house all day with him annoying me every five seconds, popping his head in and out of my room. god help me. all i wanted to do was paint all day paint everywhere, with my music londer than the storm a brewin; it would be lovely and calm and peaceful, but no.

anyway on a brighter note its valentine's day and i really could not care less so im going to stop talking about it.

dance, dance, dance is on thursday. whoa. o yea. and its not just an ordinary dance, o no, its a club dance. i dont think u can handle all that sweetness. i no i can't , im dancing just thinking about it.

day of friday= oil change. my car is very excited, o yes. she loves being changed she feels like a new car if u no what im saying. then afterwards my father(cause of course he has to come with me to do simple everyday tasks) and i are going out to eat, it's going to be the day,which i said i was not going to talk about any further. 

BAM! saturday in ur face! get ready cause im a seein a movie with my pal mike. we will commence in a sitting position while viewing a movie of our choice. i no it's a pretty awesome concept. i wish i knew who thought of it cause man o man that sitting and watching is pretty fucking entertaining. eating may also take place b4 or after always a good ol'time. 

hello sunday.... what's good??    absolutely nothing. why u ask, well jess is actually doing nothing. o man. (tear*) well is not really worthy of tear cause i, jess leo, will sleep. sleep all day and night if i have to!! 

END

"Blow Away"
By Staind

Live in my head for just one day
I see myself and look away
The road is showing now on my face
Soon I'll disappear
I'll disappear without a fucking trace

[Chorus]

Faces that I've seen turn old and grey
I've lost too many friends along the way
Memories I never thought would fade
They fade and blow away

I wish that I could disappear
Unzip my skin and leave it here
So I could be no one again
And never let nobody,
I'd let nobody
I'd let nobody in

[Chorus]

So now the walls are closing in
Because in life you sink or swim
Sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head
Feel like a book that can't be read,
A book that can't be,
A book that can't be read

[Chorus]

lj's being a bitch. w/e. so yea im sitting listening to system of a down, the song spiders to be exact. and i must say its quite lovely. and now its over. on to the next song. gift by seether. yup pretty sweet shit right here even tho i dont no if i want to listen to this w/e its on. i dont really have much to say,but im trying to write in this thing more often mayb get some emotions out or w/e and if not that then im doing it to remember. my memory lately sucks some serious ass. i cant remember what i did this morning let alone what i did two minutes ago. actually just now my dad came in and realized that i scratched my nose which i dont even remember doing. i even said that i was like i didnt touch my nose what are u talking about. yea i think i got my message across. anywho lets see what did i do today. yes, i got up at like 8 ish and then an hour later i did my english homework. afterward at around 10:45ish i went to jersey mikes to pick myself up a sandwich for lunch and then being the wonderful person i am went to burgerking for my buddies to pick them up some lunch to bring it to school for them. kinda funny im saying theis after what i wrote last night. yea im moody the meds cant ever help that i guess. i want my money back. lol, no. im better for the most part on them and the fact that im talking about it right now means something. im trying the being open thing, but its not really that open considering the only person who reads this is summer and seledomly at that. i guess im afriad to say im better because what if im not tomorrow mayb i only got a buzz from a higher dose and then all of sudden im in deep shit. hey ill take what im feeling right now i can handle well living. its weird cause as i read all these books about ppl and their depression mine doesnt seem so bad but at the same time i feel better about feeling like shit cause it one book specifically it said its ok to feel sad about my life although its not the worst thing out there; its what i feel and thats that. the person was right but i cant help feeling guilty about being the way i am and having such a comfortable life if u would want to call it that. i mean materialistically speaking im kool. i have everything. i mean although my family is fractured most of them are alive i guess and they do love me and share that love with me. some ppl dont have that. i do. yet im here in the depths of my own heart held prisoner. hey, on a happier note i finally looked up my grades from brookdale and i got A's in both ceramics and italian. i no your like ceramics how could u not get an a well let me tell u that was a pain in the ass and it wasnt that easy, god. lol yea i think im going to end this mainly because my thoughts are so damn wish washy and i figure theres always tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after.....

"The Autumn Effect"

Casting a cool breeze
Supplied by the Autumn
Question where it went wrong
Climbing Jacob's ladder
Climbing Jacob's ladder
Kindly could you re-evaluate
Autumn's animated growth

Autumn indicates the death of beauty as we know
Autumn indicates the death of beauty as we know
Keep on fighting one died from burning at his throat
Autumn swiftly stole the breath of body, mind and soul

Try and come to willingly embrace
Kharma's kiss of withering decay
Death feeds, Hell breeds
Subside in the Autumn

Autumn indicates the death of beauty as we know
Autumn indicates the death of beauty as we know
Keep on fighting one died from burning at his throat
Autumn swiftly stole the breath of body, mind and-

Silent beauty
No one cares
Silent ending
No one is there

this is a song by 10 years which is sweet as hell. saw them in concert on friday in the fuckin rain but it was sooo worth it.they played this song too. exciting. they are amazing live. his voice is like nothing i have heard. 
     they also werent the only bands there. there was flyleaf, love em, and stone sour, deftones and KORN. who i love to death. omg fucking rocked my wet socks off. it was awesome tho because by that time i was completely drenched and my wet hair was sweet wen i headbanged. yesss. we left early tho. damnit, during korn cause some ppl wanted to leave. w/e it was worth it. i feel somewhat better today and its probably cause i saw them live; it helped me get a lot of shit out, aggression maybe.they played coming undone and it made me sooo happy cause thats the song that i listen to ever time i want to kill someone. it helped me get through the whole earl deal. a lot of there song get me through shit thats why i love them. also jon is amazing. w/e it was great and i can wait to see them again.

  a drawing i did of my love, summer....